Gary and Wanda Go On an Adventure
by TheRhombusFellowship
Summary: We've all seen the cliche stories where a girl falls into ME. Well, how about a quirky, slightly deranged elderly couple and thier friends? A must-read, I assure you! Please read and review!


_This is completely silly, but for Pete's sake give it a chance! It's actually very good. No, I'm not a troll. Yes, this story is for real. It's wonderfully hilarious. Just give it a chance. I promise you will fall in love with these whimsical characters. They're best enjoyed when you imagine them with majorly overdone British accents, and a sort of dry environment reminiscent of the show "The Office." _

Gary and Wanda Anderson have been married for forty-seven years. They live in Brydonshire, England, and they have a son named Junior. Junior is twenty-two years year old and lives at home. He smokes marijuana and works at a gas station.

They have two neighbors; Eugenia and Petunia Breedlove, elderly sisters who have never married. They crochet doilies for a living. Wanda has a homosexual brother who is a manager at the local box factory named Alan.

Wanda is a stay-at-home mom, and Gary owns his own cigar store. Wanda wants to turn it into tea room for tourists, but Gary won't hear of it.

Today, Gary and Wanda are having the Breedlove sisters and Junior's girlfriend Tammy over for tea.

"Junior, come on, lovie, just put on the jumper!" Wanda tried to coax junior into the little overall set, even though he is six foot one.

"But mom, I don't want to wear that." Junior said, and stamped his foot on the floor.

"But Junior, it's what all the other kids are wearing." Wanda protested.

"Stop babying the boy, Wanda! He's twenty two years old!" Gary called out from his armchair, turning down his football game.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in, dearies!" Wanda called out, and in bustled the Breedloves.

Petunia was short and always looked like she had unintentionally eaten something sour, and Eugenia wore floral print dresses that were so bright they rivaled the Vegas Strip at midnight.

"Sorry we're late." Petunia said. "Eugenia couldn't locate her pocketbook."

"Me? Excuse me, Ms. Petunia, but it seems to me that you couldn't find your left stocking!" Eugenia retorted.

"Could you ninnies keep it down?" Gary called out. "I have one foot in the grave as it is, but you two make me want to dive in headfirst!"

"Ga-ry!" Wanda scolded. "You'll have to forgive Gary, he hasn't had his tea yet, and I'm afraid he gets awfully crabby when he hasn't had his tea."

"It's not the tea, you old bag, it's your bloody friends! I hope they get run over by a bus. I'd be even better if you went with them, Wanda."

"Oh, you'll have to forgive Gary. We bought him a new pair of slacks and he's awfully uncomfortable since they're not broken in."

"It's my first new pair of slacks in fifty years." Gary said.

"Yes, we went to the JC Penney's. There were gentlemen _looking_ at me." Wanda said coyly.

"They were wondering why your face wasn't bagged, you old ninny!" Gary said, turning the volume of his football up all the way.

Wanda giggled. "Oh, I love it when Gary is jealous."

"Men look at me all the time." Petunia said.

"Oh, please." Eugenia rolled her eyes. "They're looking at _me_."

There was another knock at the door.

Wanda clapped her hands excitedly.

"Oh, that must be Junior's little girlfriend! Gary, be nice. We want her to know that our little Junior comes from a nice family."

She pinched Junior's cheek, briefly wondered why his eyes were bloodshot, then went to open the door.

In walked Tammy Thomas, Junior's girlfriend of two and a half months.

She was wearing a black t-shirt that said "Real Men Sparkle", black jeans with chains, and had a crescent shaped scar on her right wrist. Her hair was dyed black, too, and she was wearing black lipstick.

"Oh, aren't you just lovely like a daisy!" Eugenia said.

Petunia got out her camera and began snapping photos.

"Mooom." Junior whined, awkwardly ducking his head in embarrassment.

"Where are you two going after tea?" Wanda asked. "Are you going to take her to the cinema? I hear they're showing a lovely new Disney film, something about a princess and as prince and a talking squirrel---"

"Quit babying the boy, Wanda! He's twenty-two years old!" Gary said, turning off the TV and dragging his feet over to the kitchen table, where Wanda had laid out her best tea set.

They all sat down.

"You'll like my Junior." Wanda cheekily told Tammy. "He was a miracle baby. The doctors said that Gary and I could never conceive, but one night---"

"I can't be blamed. I was drugged." Gary said, and began to gnaw at a scone.

"Yes, dearie," Petunia said. "Your Junior is a strapping young man. If I were his age, I'd---"

"Oh, Petunia, shut your mouth, you raunchy prostitute!" Eugenia chided.

Tammy and Junior sipped their tea, both of them wearing blank bored expressions, seeming oblivious to what was going on.

"Oh, know, girls, you mustn't talk that way to one another." Wanda told them. "You're all one another have, seeing as though you're both virgin spinsters…"

"Spinsters, Wanda, spinsters. Nobody ever said anything about us being---"

Petunia kicked Eugenia from under the table to make her stop talking.

"It's time for poetry!" Wanda said, talking out her little book of sonnets. "Would you like to go first, Gary?"

"Hmmmph!" Gary replied, indignantly grabbing another scone from the platter.

"I'll go!" Eugenia said, standing up, clearing her throat before beginning.

"There's a polar bear in our Frigidaire. He likes it cause it's cold in there---"

"Oh, Junior, Shel Silverstein!" Wanda said. "You love him, don't you, Junior?"

"He's twenty-two years old! Quit babying the boy, Wanda!" Gary said.

"Tammy writes poetry." Junior said. "Go on, Tammy. Recite one of your poems."

He grinned dorkily. "She's really good."

Tammy stood up, and Gary wondered if she was capable of any other expression besides her somber, bored face.

"I kinda…wrote this…when…" she awkwardly ran her hand through her hair. "When…I was in a sort of…dark place."

"Well go on, Crumpet!" Eugenia encouraged, then put as hand over her stomach. "Oh, dear, I feel a bout of indigestion coming on…"

"Okay..." Tammy gulped.

"Darkness. All around me. I take my mom's ruler with the sharp thing on it and draw it over my wrists. Blood. On the new carpet. Oops. Pain. Glorious pain and blood and darkness. I wish Edward Cullen were real. End."

She ducked her head dramatically, signaling that she was finished.

"That was very good." Wanda said.

"It bloody sucked!" Gary said. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Ga-ry!" Wanda scolded. "You'll have to excuse Gary. He's a little late for his afternoon nap."

"Hmmmph." Gary said.

_So there's the character intro for all of them! Please review with your opinions! Will be dropping them into Middle-earth in a few chapters or so! Do ya'll like Gary and Wanda Anderson? Review, please!_


End file.
